I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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