I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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