i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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