then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
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I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
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In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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