but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
