Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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