I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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