I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I touched a dick in church today
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
