don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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