I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
