i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
