I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
