Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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