i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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