State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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