im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
