If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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