fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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