my phone needs a breathalizer
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
