TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
That accounts for only three of the penises
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize