just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
