So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
