I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
