I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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