remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
