I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
