Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Randomize
