3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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