I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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