non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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