i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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