Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
