her vagine was all disorganized.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
