plz talk dirty to me
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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