just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
