his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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