Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
