i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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