I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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