Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
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you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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