Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
