Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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