I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
