Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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