did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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