i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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