Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
