mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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