How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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