Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
