Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
