Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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