Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
