Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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