I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
We smell like vodka and hangover
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