Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
