Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
