Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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